My story,
As I sit here thinking of how, I guy like me can even consider writing about something so sensitive! I mean I’ve been running from “THAT DAY” ever since I reached out for the doorknob to escape my attacker, then started running full speed to get away. I mean you got to understand I’ve been thinking about what happened to me for the last 30 something years. It’s been imprinted in my mind, posted! Like a constant reminder of what happened and what guilt follows me around. I’ve pushed around the blame every which way you can imagine. Even when a simple TV Commercials that comes on TV, a word or a scene, can repel me back too That Day, then I’ve bounced back and start reliving this event. It captures my attention instantly.
Then “ bang” shame over takes me.

Being tied to an event in life is normal everyday thing it’s as apple pie is to being a desert. One can only hope that the event was positive. Being tied to a negative event means a constant reminder of what happened, followed by self-pity, shame and questioning ones own identity. Living with it for 30 something years is another thing!
Could you imagine being pulled back and forth, questioning your own sexuality?
Yep! It happens. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wonder what if it never happened. Would I have made all the same choices, not being a victim? A question I have asked myself a million times. Each and every time I come up with the same answer “I don’t know” and self-exanimation begins.

When a person goes for a walk? Do they walk to forget something, Or to remember something? Ever wondered what everybody else is thinking? This is the way I’ve cope with being a victim of childhood sexual abuse.

I have developed a constant evaluation of everything I’ve seen and heard through out the day. For no reason at all something will pop into my head. “ hey that guy from last night, the one selling the red sports car. He said one thing in the morning then a slightly different the next time we talked, and now he has changed it all together”.
The only thing was at the time it popped into my head, I was halfway through a business presentation, and I’ve left everyone asking, “To whom? Was I referring to” as they all looked suspiciously at each other. Embarrassment totally over takes me, and I begin to wonder if I even completed my presentation.
Most times I can bounce back quickly and most pretend they never heard me, but I still feel judged, that’s an automatic response.

Living up too ones expectations of ones self can be demanding, try not living up to the expectation of being a victim of childhood sexual abuse. Most studies suggest that being a victim is the first step to becoming the abuser, and that it’s a series of events that leads you to become a monster.
“ Does that mean I will become a sexual predator? Fuck how could I ever become a sexual predator, I’m a victim for fuck sakes”.
I feel sick just thinking about it!

The pain I’ve become accustom too is so great that I even carry it in my shoulders. When I’m even a little stressed I’m in pain.
My sleeping habits are not good at all. I awake most nights suddenly and find that I’m not able to fallback to sleep, only to suffer later that day when I’m working.
Seems lately I’m always tried, tired of carrying this pain.
Like I’m now scared to even attempt to get these feelings worked out. What if that’s how you become the abuser? Is that the curse? Or am I being paranoid.

When I walk around the mall, or public in general, sometimes I make eye contact with certain people. It’s as if it feels like they are looking past me, or even threw me. I’ve seen this before! But where? As my mind searches for the answers. I’m left with a dry taste in my mouth. I can’t quite put my finger on it, then it hits me, pop goes my balloon as the need to figure out where, and my reality comes quickly, then slips away and dissipates, I then remember it’s the same look I’m giving off when I see my self in the reflection in the mirror. Suddenly it feels like my life fades darker, like I got my own black cloud following me.
I’ve had many days where I’ve gotten up and felt great and kissed the wife good bye and went about my day with a smile, only to get 10 blocks away and hear about Sheldon Kennedy story, and my beautiful day turns grey and I turn around, then drive strait back home climb back into bed, trying to fall asleep so I can sleep the pain away.

At times I replay different events that happened to me. Like this time I was walking down to black bridge, a train bridge close to down town. As I walked threw the trails that run along the river. You can see the boats driving by, and people are reading while sitting on park benches. Then as I made my way down near the bridge I came to where the bushes were a lot thicker, I suddenly I felt strange, then out of now where comes this native man, he has this really weird look on his face and my mind quickly detects that he is on the prowl. As he sees me his eyes grew bigger, here comes dinner flashed across his face. Suddenly my inner voice jumps out, and I asked him did you see my brother? He was with my dad, they were just in front of me and he quickly looked over his shoulder to see if he could see anybody that may have slipped by him.
Then I yelled “Larry” as loud as I could, followed by “DAD WHERE DID YOU GO?” Then my fears heighten as I could see clearly his erection was showing, oh no was my next though then I heard “ no kid, maybe they went around the other side!” He stated like he was now trying to help me.
“ Thanks” I said “but my brother and dad are here somewhere hiding on me!” Again I yelled “ Larry! Dad! Where are you?” And as quickly as he approached he walked right by me. It was the weirdest feeling, he was looking at me like he was about to grab me and you could see the hesitation in his face.
I’ll never for get that look! Never ever! It had only been a few months since I was raped. I clearly could see he was looking or trolling for action and I was out of here. We would climb black bridge and catch pigeons and sell them to Mr. Spagolla. He buy’s lost birds and resells them he gave me 20.00 for a speckled pigeon (a beautiful bird) so it was an easy way for local kids to make a few bucks. I never went back there alone again! I always took someone with me.